Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Zumba. Or Not.

Today I decided to do a double gym class day, in a psychotic effort to have done enough exercise to not regret missing tomorrow's workout due to a 4am wakeup call and trip to DC. Emphasis on the psychotic.

2 classes were on offer - the much-touted Zumba dance class, and the extremely hard weights class. So I took both.

Zumba. Everyone says it's amazing. Revolutionary. Let me let you in on a secret:  It's a post-modern jazzercise. Maybe not really - maybe with an actual good instructor, it can be amazing. But, my class was more like this:

A collection of middle-aged women, overweight women, and a few internationals (french, russian, latin), and 2 men with, shall we say, a dubious lecherous bent (is it lecherous in a 60 year old chinese man?), all dancing to over-mixed versions of Shakira songs. The activity barely qualified as aerobic, let alone cardio, though the crowd was sweating, and the only way the instructor sought to accelerate things was by "doing the steps as fast as she could." 

It is hella hard to do samba steps at triple time, in sneakers. I haven't danced in 2 decades, but I'll tell you, keeping some relationship to the beat of the music is extremely helpful. Once barbie started just running through as fast as she could, it all degraded into some sort of football run-in-place-thing, with precious little dancing involved. 

Meanwhile, said barbie - actually called Tiffany - was eagerly swiveling her teeny hips (much to the joy of aforementioned chinese man), seemingly fully adopting the cultural background of - well - anyone less blonde. The dance moves ranged from latin to middle eastern, to which I feel some claim, and I must say, she turned them all into a sort of low-grade pole dance. And her class participants followed suit all too willingly, so I couldn't help but imagine this was far more about self-esteem than physical fitness.

Of course, I may be the least alluring girl on the planet, with so little interest in shaking my bon bon that it is frightening. The entire experience left me feeling both under-exercised and uncoordinated, as well as wholly unattractive. 

Luckily, crazy weights class came next, and after about 1000 squats and 400 lunges, I have to say, I felt pretty again.

No more Zumba for me. 


Priya said...

this one time i was forced to take a pole dancing class in a bar / strip club in a suburb of DC at 10 am on a saturday morning. the teacher was an aging stripper and the patrons were uninterested in anything we were doing. the whole thing was whack. if there had been a 60 year old chinese guy in our class, i think this would have been exactly the same.

hornett said...

With a name like Zumba, how could it NOT be awesome!