Wednesday, May 6, 2009

311 baltic, apartment 4D: the movie

i'm bringing popcorn to my apartment every night.  since i've moved to this place i've had a series of calamities, many of which have been injurious to my health:

the super who turned on the gas on my new stove, thus causing a gas leak.

the mysterious sewer like smell that took over my apartment, ultimately traced to my downstairs neighbor's habit of smoking incredibly low grade weed 24 hours a day. (literally, they got deliveries at 2 am!)

the water heater that my father ominously said need to be replaced, that then proceeded to leak downstairs to the weed smoker's apartment.

and lastly, the bedbug infestation.  which i didn't realize was bedbugs for 9 MONTHS, while i spent every day getting hives, itching and going to various doctors to diagnose my problem.

in the movie version of this saga, i do believe the ending would be:

a) romantic comedy - heroine falls in love with repairman and move into mansion that he owns in red hook, that is exceedingly well taken care of

b) scary movie - the weed smoker is actually a serial killer.  he's taking out the apartment unit one unit at a time.  but i survive, but only after almost getting strapped to a torture chair and having him threaten to cut me up with a knife.

c) action movie - the building becomes increasingly messed up.  turns out a pre-historic dinosaur was frozen solid and the building was built on top of him.  but now the ice is melting and this dino is waking up!  and more like him... all over the city.  ultimately the dino's are all sent to a special zoo on an island off the long island sound and the two movie heros - the fearless apartment dweller and an out of work, mildly alcoholic firefighter, fight the dinos together and then kiss passionately at the end as the dinos are being loaded into cages onto a ferry.

d) indie film - the apartment dweller is one of a series of documentary like portraits of disaffected city dwellers who walk through parks with bemused smiles on their faces and collect old LP's and other odd arcane shit to remind themselves of a time when they were cool.  there is also a korean drycleaner who acts as the grounding element; the person who seems anonymous yet knows each and every one of these apartment dwellers.  the story goes nowhere for 2 hours, but you do leave feeling as profoundly confused as the characters.   also, the problems in the apartments are supposed to represent the ennui of life trying to bring us all down.

i choose C!  popcorn!





1 comment:

Capt. BS said...

Indie movie is spot on, especially if everyone is wearing a fedora for a reason that is never explained to any degree.

Also:

e) Sci-Fi movie - the bedbugs are actually nanobots that have been released into the heroine's apartment because a semi-secret government agency called the NSO (or NSC, NSG, etc.) is, it first appears, experimenting with new counter-terrorism surveillance technology. Except that the nanobots were built by an alien civilization. Because the head of the NSWhatever is actually an guy from the planet Nemetar named Zorrdon, and he's plotting to enslave all of humanity in order to fulfill some unspecified purpose.

f) Lifetime original - upon going downstairs to apologize to the weed-smoker, the heroine discovers that her downstairs neighbor is actually her long-lost sister. They spend the next few weeks rediscovering and reinterpreting their pasts, wondering what happened to their parents (long presumed dead), and sharing their hopes to make their own way in the big city, find Mr. Right, and raise a family. But then the heroine's sister discovers that she has a metastasized tumor and only has a few more weeks to live. As she dies a slow and agonizing death that indirectly brings to mind the ethics of euthanasia, the heroine realizes that she has learned more about herself and the world in the scant three weeks that she knew her sister while she was alive.

g) Mindfuck movie - the apartment building has actually been empty for several years, ever since it was abandoned following its condemnation. All of these events are apparitions conjured up by the collective consciousness of the building itself in the split-second before it is demolished.