Monday, October 11, 2010

beyonce's puerto rican fashion emergency hotline


Beyonce's puerto rican fashion emergency hotline: "Hello, you've reached Beyonce's Puerto Rican fashion emergency hotline. This is Beyonce Knowles Z. It is 8 PM on Saturday night. What is your emergency?"

hysterical woman caller: "Hola! Beyonce I have a fashion emergency! Help me I'm a hot mess!"

BPRFEH: Ok sweetie, no te preocupes. Let's start. First of all, are you older than 8 years old

HWC: Yes

BPRFEH: Are you going dancing or for a walk with your boyfriend on the beach tonight?

HWC: That's the problem. Mama I don't know! Maybe both! Maybe neither? And all my friends already have outfits. What will I dooooo?

BPRFEH: Ok, no problem. First of all, how high are your heels? When you put them on do they feel higher or lower than normal?

HWC: Higher. I had to stick tape to the front of my feet to them so I wouldn't fall.

BPRFEH: Excellent! That's very practical of you. It will help you to not look foolish in front of your man. Now, let's go to the outfit. Dress, skirt or jeans?

HWC: I don't know.....

BPRFEH: Ok ok this is tough. Talk to me about your nails. Are they painted with designs, french manicure or one color only.

HWC: Oh! I got spinners put in my nails and diamonds glued onto my thumbnail. Fun right?

BPRFEH: Awesome! Only I guess you didn't answer my question. But ok. I think that means that tonight since your nails are more subdued we should go with a dress.

HWC: Oh awesome that helps a lot.

BPRFEH: Now do you have more than one choice for your dress?

HWC: Claro, of course amiga. I have 3 dresses.

BPRFEH: Hmm... tell me about them.

HWC:Well! The first one is purple, it hits about mid thigh and...

BPRFEH: Too long! Next?

HWC: Oh, well the other one is a leapord print number that I wore to mass last...

BPRFEH: Ay, chica! Mass? No! Next!

HWC: Ok well the last one is off the shoulder lime green. It looks like a body tube. A lime tube. It reminds me of surfers.

BPRFEH: Hmmm... are there any teenage girls in your house?

HWC: Yes, my grand-daughter. She's 16.

BPRFEH: Good! Go to her closet and pick out a dress that appears to be in a fabric that won't rip.

HWC: Ok Beyonce! Wow you are SO helpful!

BPRFEH: Did you find anything that won't rip?

HWC: Yes! I found a white minidress, just plain with a embroidered "hot stuff" logo. It looks like it might be polyester or nylon or something.

BPRFEH: NOW we are talking! Try it on.

HWC: Ok it's on!

BPRFEH: Great! On a scale of 1-5, how tight is it? Is it tighter and more uncomfortable than the gold lame hot pants I wore to the grammy's? Does it make you feel like your hips are losing blood circulation? Do you think you could be me, that time I became a size 2 through the miracles of spanx and dolce and gabbana corset dreses?

HWC: Oh yes, Beyonce! It is a 1. But you didn't tell me what a 1 was. But I guess it's all of those things. It's as tight as all of your silver and gold hot pants! When I try to grab extra fabric I only grab skin.

BPRFEH: GREAT! Have your grand-daughter put on the shoes. And next time when you have an emergency remember Beyonce's rules: H-A-W-T. H is for Heels. A is for Attitude. W is for Whatever, which is how I feel about matching. I don't. T is for Tight.

HWC: Thanks Beyonce!


1 comment:

Lilac - Like The Flower said...

omg, that's a tv show. seriously.