Tuesday, November 2, 2010

how to avoid a haunting

having just come off watching 6 back to back episodes of paranormal state, i want to tell you all what i've learned on how to avoid a haunting.

never move into a new house or do construction, if AT ALL possible. nearly all hauntings begin with a new place of residence.

but ok, if you do HAVE to buy a new house:

do not use a ouija board. or try to tape spirit voices. or make a pact with the devil, even in jest. or do creepy things like hold seances and draw pentagrams on the floor. just don't go there. it invites the spirits in. and that is bad.

if you do sense a haunting, the first thing you must do is go research the property at your local library and find out what creepy people used to live there and may have died there.

THEN, you must burn sage and hold a spiritual ritual in your house while stating very loudly "this is my house now. we are living and we command you to leave"

I think this solves 90% of the paranormal state cases, and they only accept the worst hauntings.

If it gets worse, you can call your local religious figure and ask them to come down for a full house blessing. (or if you're Indian just throw yourself a pooja. and make it a good one with a havan and make it last at least 1 hour).


Capt. BS said...

(OH. MY. GOD. Someone else watches this show?! I am SO validated.)

Some other helpful hints:

1. When attempting to make contact with the spirit world, try to present yourself as sullen and dejected, yet non-threatening. This will remind the spirits of their awkward teenage years and make them more docile.

2. If you wish to hire a medium to help you communicate with the spirits, make sure that the sight of their wardrobe evokes a synesthetic cacophony in your visual cortex. There is no other way to judge their qualifications for the job.

This also reminds me that I am long overdue to write a blog post entitled "How to Start a Paranormal Investigation Team."

PD said...

"If there's something wierd... in your neighborhood... who you gonna call? GHOST-BUSTERS!"

Shannon C said...

Love this!